So many things have happened since I last posted. But, I won't go into too much detail. However, after much turmoil and then after a major realization on Anthony's part- we are back together and working on things and he has gotten a job and is actually joining the ARMY. He's at MEPS right now taking his drug test, and running the mile and doing the tests for push-ups and sit-ups. I don't know what happened to make him realize everything, but I thank God that he did! Because now Brennan will have a daddy he can look up to and be proud of. Even though the ARMY is going to be rough because Brennan won't get to see his daddy every day, at least when he will get to see his daddy it will be a very special time and he'll always be so happy to see him!

As for me, I have changed my career path from being an elementary school teacher to becoming a Lactation consultant. However, as soon as I decided to become one- they changed the requirements. I now will have to take a BUNCH of medical courses and the amount of hours that I have to have in an educational setting practicing has been increased from 45 to 90! But, it's definitely going to be worth it! I will love my job and it's definitely something I am passionate about!

As for Brennan... SO MUCH HAS CHANGED. As it goes with babies! He is 5 months, 1 week and 3 days old! And, he's such a big boy! He weighs 19lbs 15 oz- so one ounce shy of 20 lbs. He is 26 and 1/4 inches tall! And he has sooo much personality and is so active. We have been working on him sitting up. I can tell he feels like such a big boy when he does because he just smiles and laughs when he's been sitting up for a while- then he'll get into a fit of laughter and fall over. It's HILARIOUS. I, of course, put pillows around him so that he doesn't hurt himself when he falls. He also rolls around the room now as his mode of transportation. he still tries to crawl, but when he starts getting frustrated- he just rolls everywhere. It's so funny. He has just recently become really interested in food. I haven't started solids yet- and I'm not sure when I will. It will definitely be after 6 months, but I'm not sure how long after 6 months. He reaches for my food and he mimics chewing and always watches us eat. Everyone is trying to convince me that he's ready to eat, but my mama instinct says to wait. So, I am going to!! He also LOVES to bounce in his bouncer and on me. Haha. He will sit on me and bounce and then bounce up to my face and start "eating" my nose. It's so funny, but kind of gross because he slobbers allllll over me. Yeah, he's definitely teething now. I can see where the teeth are, they just haven't popped up yet. He's got so much personality and laughs a LOT and is definitely one of the happiest babies ever. I seriously get it all the time: "You have the HAPPIEST baby I've ever seen!" And, maybe I do. I just attribute it to his needs being met and being given a LOT of love. That's one thing he's NOT lacking at ALL- LOVE. I love him so freaking much and so does my whole family and Anthony's whole family and Anthony and even my friends. He is very loved! Anyway, that's my update. Hah. Pretty long.

Hopefully I'll write again soon.

new beginnings.

Well, since I've become a mother- I've decided that I don't want to hold any grudges or animosity towards anyone anymore. I don't really know what happened, maybe the fact that Brennan has expanded my capacity for love or has just opened my eyes.. but, whatever happened, I'm glad for it. I apologized to my step mom for being such a bitch. And, I'm glad that we're able to make a fresh start.

In other news- Anthony has realized that he was a dumbass for moving to Arkansas because he misses Brennan. Umm, DUH! Anywho, he's moving back up here. However, he says he still loves me and wants to be with me- but I've heard that story before. Many times. And I'm not buying it. So, while he'll be apart of my life forever as Brennan's father, he will not be apart of my life as my boyfriend. Sorry.

I am actually enjoying being single and in control of my life and my money and my everything! :)

LIFE IS GOOD.

i'm just about a moonlight mile on down the road...

tonight has been strange.

i'm feeling really lost and it's just hit me.

it's funny how a person can be apart of your life- a major part of your life- and then one day they're just gone.

let's be realistic- we all (those of you who read this, included) know i'm talking about Anthony. and while he'll never be entirely out of my life because of Brennan, he's out of my immediate space. and it's just hitting me, i suppose. i've kept busy with cleaning and worrying about finances until now- because my apartment is clean and nice and i'm not worried about finances anymore. and now, i just have time to sit here and think while Brennan is sleeping. and it's not really like i miss him, exactly. while he was here i kept trying to be able to even stand him most of the time... i kept wondering if he'd grow up, or why things changed so much and i kept trying for Brennan's sake- hoping that things would get better. but they never did. so, it's not like i miss him. i suppose i miss the comfortability? i'm not exactly sure.

i'm guessing things will get easier- and once daylight hits and Brennan is awake and demanding my attention (mainly my breast, hah!) i'll once again not have time to think about this shit.

for those of you reading this- if anyone- don't expect this blog to always be so melancholy. it'll probably usually be about Brennan. because he's the one person in my life that i need. he's the light of my life and i cannot describe how much i absolutely am in love with him. tonight was just strange, and i needed to get it out.